This is Marmite. He also goes by other pseudonyms including Catrick Swayze, Chairman Meow and on occasion, simply as ‘douche cat’ which is meant in an affectionate manner. Douche cat, or Marmite as he is sometimes known is an epic bellend. Turn your back on him for just a second a there will be a pile of dead rodents at your feet.
What greater gift than the love of a cat.
Charles Dickens c.1862
Man the fuck up Dickens! Your cat probably took a shit in your shoes every night!
Dictionaries define annoying as an adjective meaning causing annoyance; irritatingly bothersome. I have emailed several lexicography websites to request that a photo of Marmite be added to the official definition, but I’m still waiting for a reply. Marmite has somehow managed to take annoying to unprecedented levels. If I was a casual observer, I’d probably be impressed at his skills, but I’m a victim of his douchebaggery.
Cat behaviour experts have determined that our feline ‘friends’ like to make extremely kind gestures by bringing us gifts in the form of live, or sometimes ceased to be rodents and other small animals. These so-called experts would probably consider Marmite to be a very thoughtful cat indeed. He’s the cat that keeps giving…literally and figuratively!
I have lost count of the number of times Marmite has released a live mouse in the house. He once did this in the middle of the night and dropped the bewildered creature on our bed. He then jumped off the bed, sat down and took in the utter chaos he had created. I’m sure the bastard was smiling! On one occasion, we heard a faint scratching noise coming from one of the bedside cabinets. After removing the drawers, I found terrified mouse trying to escape. I have even dismantled part of the kitchen catching a mouse he gifted. I dread to think how many uninvited animals are living in our house, but yeah, thanks for the pressies Marmite!
Other gifts include announcing his presence with meows outside the back door. He’ll do this until someone opens the door for him, even though there’s a perfectly good cat flap for him to use…the very same cat flap the bastard uses to bring his ‘gifts’ inside the house.
When I’m studying, he’ll often be sitting outside the window next to my desk meowing for attention, then when I open the window to give him a fuss, he fucks off after a few seconds. More often than not straight to the back door to request someone opens it for him. Epic bellend.
If Marmite was a sound, you’d hear the Crazy Frog song mixed with Barbie Girl whenever he was in earshot. Those annoying sounds would then be stuck with you for the rest of the day.
That is fucking annoying!
Cats. They’re utter bastards, but I do love douche cat ❤
Marmite was adopted from the RSPCA animal adoption centre in Newport Pets at Home store. My son and I popped in to pick up some dog food and treats and he wanted to have a look at the cats. When we got back to the car a short while later, I told the missus that I think we had just adopted a cat. I was in a state of shock tbh…I’m not even a cat person. It’s not that I dislike them for any particular reason as such, I just can’t think of any reasons to like them 😉
Joking aside for a moment, if you have the time and resources available, and think you may be able to provide a forever home to a cat or dog who needs adopting, please contact your local RSPCA adoption centre. The UK is considered to be a nation of animal lovers, and whilst this is undoubtedly true for the vast majority of British people, the fact remains that there is some utter waste of ejaculates who abuse and neglect animals.
Here’s a few facts and figures relating to 2019 taken from the RSPCA website:
- our centres took in 10,564 dogs
- our centres took in 29,432 cats
- we took in over 17,500 animals to our wildlife centres
- we investigated more than 93,362 complaints of alleged cruelty
- we secured 1,425 convictions by private prosecution to protect animals against those who break the laws
Out of over 93,000 complaints, fewer than 1,500 convictions were secured which is roughly 1.5%. However, I should point out that not all complaints warrant a prosecution, although an equally valid outlook is that there might be a lack of evidence to pursue many prosecutions.
There’s an almost 3-fold increase of cats rescued compared to dogs. The vast majority of those cats are black, or black and white. The reason for this include superstitions that date back centuries (around about the same time as many women were tortured, burned at the stake, hung, drowned etc), as well as more recent inconveniences such as selfies featuring black cats not making ideal photos for some twat’s social media feed 🙄
Don’t be like these people, go on adopt a cat.
There’s nothing sinister about black cats…although I sometimes catch Marmite’s gaze and wonder if he’s plotting a dreadful ‘accident’ to befall me. It’s either that or wind, possibly both.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere
Groucho Marx
It really is as simple as that.
Serious thoughts aside…
If you do decide to adopt a cat, you may even luck out and not get a complete douche cat, like douche cat…I mean Marmite 😉
- Photographer: Nick Thompson
- Models: Marmite a.k.a Douche Cat, Catrick Swayze, Chairman Meow
